Well, it is Turkey day, a day of family, togetherness. Today is one that will not be a celebration for me. It will be a reminder, in some ways of all that I have lost in the last two years. A Mother. A child. A marriage. A family, immediate and extended. I will not be eating a wonderful hand cooked meal. There will be no dressing, canned cranberries, pumpkin pie, sweet potatoes. All there will be is, me, alone. But before you feel sorry for me, or think, what a whiner. I will get my kids tonight, though only due to the fact that I have off work tommorow. But I look forward to that, as  I look forward to every chance that I have with them. I try to think about when I was in the Marines, and as I would learn it is just another day. Celebrate what you can when you can. Celebrate with who you can when you can. Just as today is not like last year, and not like the year before. I hold to my beliefs that through Hope & Faith that next year will not be like this year.

I found this doll maker on one of our very own Zaadzster's website…. Scottoons … check out the Doll Maker! by way of my zaadz friend MsCapriKell Okay…. now…. GO PLAY!!!

http://www.scottoons.com/interactive/

Acceptance

8-3-2006

 
accept that

the journey that was shared

as a union, is no more

now, two separate paths are walked

yours which is of healing, &

self discovery, and finding

a new brighter sense of awareness

while she, set upon the path

she has chosen appears lost,

not only to herself, but

to those things which should be held

sacrament in her life,

& in being lost, as she now may seem,

to her purpose of being, so to

were you as lost

before embracing the path

of the peaceful warrior

accept that

while your sole life’s purpose

for being, may be

that of the well being

& lives of your children

that it is not, the same for her

though her children

are a part of her life

they are not what completes

her, or her life

 

accept that

if she chooses to be

with other men, &

make them a part of her life, &

the lives of her children

that it is not in your power

to make her see the outcome

of her choices, for anything

then what they are,

her choices

& if something should happen

to her, to the children

accept that it will

and that when it does

it will have been a result of

her choices & actions

not yours

 

accept that

if she cannot exist

in the solitude of herself

that if the only way

 she can be whole

is to be one half of another’s life

that within her abides a

vast emptiness, & that

no matter the man

it cannot be filled, unless

she, herself can find the way

to fill the voids existence

 

accept that

while you may know the truth

others will choose to believe

only that what they want to

 

accept that

truth, can exist and be

seen as true

from more then one perspective

accept that

something shared with another

that is even but a partial truth

will be accepted for

complete and whole

 

accept that

faith, in yourself

hope, for a better future

& love, for your children

can be enough

to make all the difference

accept that

you cannot change the world

but that you can change

your part in it

small as it may be

 

accept that

no matter, how powerful

your words, they mean

nothing, when the choice is made

to be deaf to them

& blind, to the vision

of what you feel, to know

that exists as a

better way, for you

for her, and most of all

the children

 

 thank you Bella  

thank you

for giving me

your heart

 
thank you

for giving me

your beautiful smile

over, and over again

 
thank you

for giving me

your sweet innocent love

thank you

for giving me

courage to try

to be a better father

thank you

for giving me

the ability to love

beyond myself

thank you

for giving me

strength to live

when all I want

 is to die

and be w/you

thank you

for giving me

comfort, in my grief

w/every tear drop

 
thank you

for showing me

that for you

to live on

so must i

thank you

for showing me

to not take these things

for granted

 

1-22-06

 

 

“but for the company of my grief”

 
grief

is the blowing wind

felt

but not seen

 
my grief is

a great gaping wound

running

 the length of me

I

try to cover it

hide it

from all

it is mine

I

do not want to share

this precious pain

I do not want

to let it go

I

need the pain

to feel alive

 

how can

her loss

fill me up so

how can

one so little

have been so

much of my life

my joy

my happiness

my purpose

of being

I

am but a box

small

and fragile

empty

of anything

but

the grief

that is too much

for the ocean

of sorrow

that fills me

 
I

do not feel

the ground

as I walk

I

do not see

the blinding sun

as my eyes are open,

for the grief

encompasses

all my senses,

as they are filled

with the memories

of my Bella

 
I hear

her laugh

I see

her infectious smile

I smell

her fresh washed skin

I feel

the touch

of her fingers

on my hand

as she pulls me

to somewhere

for something

 

my Bella…

now, she is

gone

from here

from me

and I am

left here

alone

but for

the company

of my grief

 

 

1-31-2006

 

It has been hard for me to feel worthwhile due to the divorce, in some ways I feel like I suffered some form of abuse by the emotional indifference of my wife in the year, the months leading to the ending of our marriage. And further in the ending of our marriage it made me feel worthless in being thrown away and out of the only relationship I had know for 10 years.

It is 1:16 am and I just had this very strange powerful thought ponder of life and my life. Would God give you a child, let you have that child for a period of time, then take that child away as part of the plan, to show you, what you are supposed to be doing, and have not been. To show you a place that exists mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually from the having and losing a child. Would God put a person in your life for friendship, togetherness, intimacy, marriage, trust, family, for 10 years then end it so you can be alone, so you can be in solitude for a needed time, so that you may someday go and be a better person not only now but also the future for your children and also for a new person that may be brought into your life. Could it, can it be all just part of the scheme of things, part of a higher plan that as a moment is but a grain of sand in the element of time. I can understand things happening, and I am sure as I have heard many people say "all things happen for a reason" it may be true. Though it does not give me much comfort, oddly it just gives me more to ponder and wonder about in life.